Day 8 – Self Discovery Writings

Today my writings begin with some tension in my chest area. I am in the process of booking travel arrangements and have been going through some challenges with my living situation. I am ready to make plans, but sometimes the other parties involved have expressed hesitation. I feel this as tension in my body and it seems like I did something wrong. This is a feeling that I find deeply uncomfortable. Like all beings, I have only the basic desire to be loved and appreciated as I am.

These last few years have been deeply challenging for me on every level of my being. I have encountered resistance where I was unaware any could be possible. I have overcome many challenging thoughts, emotions, and sensations. There is a peace that grows within me each and every day. Though there are remnants of past timelines and actions that have been getting cleaned up. I still find a way to stay optimistic about my future and my now.

Feeling bliss at times is quite difficult, and yet I can think of no goal more worthy of my time and attention. I have total confidence in my ability to overcome any hardship or adversity. For within these seeming negative states, is the seed of tremendous growth. It is in the moments where self doubt is at its’ strongest, that we are presented with the opportunity to neutralize it. I for one, intend to overcome any feeling that arises which says I am unsafe or unloved.

I am worthy of love, feeling safe, feeling respected, and fully supported. I am undoing poverty mindset that has led my life to feel more tense than it needs to be in the future. It is interesting to write this journey out in an open forum. To publish my challenges invites a feeling of vulnerability within me that feels quite dangerous. Like I could be attacked easily and am risking myself in some way.

I remember feeling this way throughout much of my dating life. The uncertainty regarding whether a potential mate enjoyed my company and wanted to be with me. There is so much inner dialogue that has occured at times in my life and it is becoming less necessary as I move forward into my bright and desirable future. My chest is still tense even as I’ve gotten to this point of my writing.

What else is there to do but, relax and trust that I am loved? Any alternate option seems quite contrary to what I desire to feel in this moment. So with that logical analysis completed, how to transition to that state? Or, how to be okay with how I feel in this moment? Accepting and allowing the moment to be what it is. Remembering that tension will leave at some point and that tensing up over the tension would be counterproductive.

I have a desire to run away from this feeling, to go into meditation and push it away. Instead I am typing about it and acknowledging the fears that I have. Of course, I’m sure that more might arise as I go deeper into this process, but for now I feel like I am courageous.

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